I have had the weirdest experiences with doctors lately. This is not the first time either. Sometimes I think that doctors are just regular people that are in a position to do pretty much whatever they like to anyone that happens to walk through their door, into their office. Up until the past few years I’ve always tried to avoid contact with doctors and while I was at it I gave lawyers and priests the same treatment.
I was raised a Catholic, so when I was on my way to Vietnam as a young man, I figured I’d better go to confession in case I got my head blown off. So here I am sitting in this dark little box when a voice comes from the other side of the dark little box and starts to pray. I told the voice that it had been so long since I had gone to confession that I forgot the words to the prayer. The voice replied, “Have you ever had an affair with another man?”
Well I don’t have to tell you, I got the hell out of there and never went back! Some years later I heard the exact same question from a lawyer. I was flabbergasted, so I told the lawyer to give my first ex-wife whatever the hell she wanted and I got the heck out of there too! OK, that explains my avoidance of lawyers and priests, so let’s go back to doctors.
Doctors have the strangest behavior for people that are supposed to be educated above the rest of us. I think it may be a natural fact that people with higher educations are just naturally hornier than us normal folks. With me being aware of this fact, I naturally avoid going to doctors unless I need to be sewn up to keep from bleeding to death. This worked for many years but lately I have been getting dizzy and have been experiencing shortness of breath.
So, a couple of years ago, I broke down and went to the doctor and told him I was dizzy. As soon as I said those words I could see the glint in his eye. He was thinking, “This dizzy SOB is perfect so I’ll send him around from room to room, doctor to doctor, and we can all cop a feel.” Next thing I know, he is pulling off my shoes and socks and he wants to play with my feet! Well that felt pretty good, so when he got done playing with my feet he told me he was going to schedule me for more tests.
This guy tells me that I can’t eat or drink coffee for 12 hours before my test. So I’m thinking they didn’t want me to barf on them, so I washed my feet, ate a sandwich with a cup of coffee that I had stashed the night before in my truck, and went in for tests. Only about half of the doctors wanted to play with my feet but almost all of them wanted a small bottle of blood to take home.
One doctor wanted me to take off my shirt and to hop on a treadmill! Well, anyone that knows me will testify that I never take my shirt off in front of others because I have manboobs that jiggle when I walk. They finally talked me into it and then three of them watched as I marched on the treadmill, jiggling all the way. I think they wanted me to have a heart attack so they could have their way with me. They put these little sticky things on my chest and hooked up some wires to them and I still don’t know what for!
In a very short time, I found myself in San Francisco and was told they were going to fix my heart with a quadruple bypass. So now, several years later, I’m still getting dizzy, so I’m thinking they never got near my heart but simply put some cuts on my chest to make everybody think they did. It didn’t take me long to recover from that ordeal, but that is when the weird stuff really began.
Now a doctor tells me that he needs to check my colon. I don’t even know what a colon is, so I went in there thinking they were going to play with my feet again. Well, as it turned out this guy wanted to stick some weird jerry-rig up my butt! I don’t want to tell you what I said to that guy so I got the hell out of there too! Then, if that wasn’t enough, this guy sends me a little package and he wants me to send him a piece of poop!
OK, I never did send it to him because I didn’t know if he wanted a little piece or a whole poop. I thought to myself, “Well, old Donald ain’t playin’ this game!” If they want my poop, they are going to have to come up with some money because it ain’t free for weirdos.
So here I am again stashing some boiled Easter eggs in my truck to eat on the way to more tests tomorrow and I’m still dizzy. I am going to refuse to march around half naked while doing a jiggle dance on a treadmill for the entertainment of everybody in the hospital. I think maybe they are using a hidden camera so the nurses can enjoy a fat old guy with man-boobs doing the jiggle-dance.
I’m not gonna do that but I did wash my feet because that kinda feels good when they play with my feet.
Stand by for my next report!