Donald Sanders: How to make money in Winters

“Why, I’ve had so many ideas about how to make money that if I was in New York City I could be a millionaire. I’ll just share five ideas so you can see just how smart I am.”

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Winters is the money capital of the world. If a fella wants to make a few bucks around here there’s a thousand ways to do it. Why, I’ve had so many ideas about how to make money that if I was in New York City I could be a millionaire. I’ll just share five ideas so you can see just how smart I am.

Start a charity: This idea is probably the best idea I ever had. All you have to do is go onto Facebook and make up an advertisement for, let’s say, “Feed the Poor Little Children of Winters California.” Just say, “Send me some money for food for the little bitty babies of Winters!” There is always some dummy that will really do it.

Morning Glory Spillway tickets: Build a little stand just big enough to let you crawl inside. Put a huge sign above it saying, “Morning Glory Spillway Tickets.” Put the price on a chalkboard so you can either raise or lower it. If the people are dressed nice, charge them $5. If they have on poor people clothes charge them $1.

I use this one all the time. How do you think I got my new weedeater?

Sell the free food: The City of Winters has a food pantry or some people call it a food bank where they give away free food for those that need it. Boy, do I need it, or should I say, my little back door market needs it! I would have people come in one gate and go out the other with a bag of canned goods that I didn’t pay a penny for. For an extra can of spinach they will even clean up your yard. Ka’ching, ka’ching!

Muon ringy thingy: I’ve written about this one before and believe it or not some people over in Europe pulled this one off and made plenty of dough. They just made a ring out of concrete pipes. I guess they had to use curved pipes or else it would have been a square, right? They said they put one “atom” in one way and another “atom” in another way so they would collide and make a mini-big bang.

It is so simple to say you put the atoms in because no one can see them anyway. If I say I’m a scientist and wear scientist clothes, who’s gonna argue with me about it? We could have somebody standing nearby looking like a farmer saying, “Oh yeah, I saw them put the atoms in right before the mini-big bang made all that noise!”

Last idea: For the last idea you will have to send me $4.95. Believe me when I tell you it is well worth it. Why, in no time you will be driving a brand new car or wearing a new hat. Remember: $4.95 and I’ll send you the last idea! Fabulous!

Deal of the century: Anyone that will nominate me for a Pulitzer Prize or a Nobel Prize will receive a $3 refund. I figure it will be a sure thing if enough people nominate me and flood their mailbox with all those forms. I got a Medal of Honor the same way some years ago. It’s funny what people will do if you annoy them enough!

If that Einstein person was a male, that would be me!

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