Cat Barf Zen 101: Be one with the cat barf

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The good news is my carpets are the same color as cat barf.

The bad news is my carpets are the same color as cat barf.

Yes, wasn’t I the clever girl, picking out carpets the exact same color as cat barf so there’d be no more stains. Sadly, I wasn’t quite clever enough to consider the potential disadvantages of color-coordinating my carpets to the random expulsions of hair and kibble from the two little fur people who share my home. For example, the relative benefits of discovering the results of their gastrointestinal distress not by sight, but by the sudden cold, wet squish under my bare foot in the morning.

Yeah, ick.

It could be worse, right? The squish could’ve been expelled from the other end.

Double ick.

Such are the annoyances of having indoor cats. I can’t really complain though, because to date, there haven’t been any double ick squishes. I have good boys. They use the Kitty Rocha Depository faithfully. The only mishaps occur when a wayward — ahem — “lump”… clings to a bit of long tail fur. Fat Angelo will just waddle around until it finally falls off. Just doesn’t care. He has so let himself go. However, a dingleberry just blows Milo’s tiny mind. He tries to outrun them, racing through the house, leaping over chairs, streaking across tables, until he manages to lose the stinky beast that’s after him.

This is why, in the end, I keep the cats around — for the sheer entertainment value.

Back to the barf. I posted my carpet camouflage observation on Facebook, and the posts were like popcorn. Now, I often post thoughtful, heartfelt insight on everything from God to the bittersweet struggle of human existence, and what really gets people’s attention? Cat barf.  So, if cat barf is what the people want, then cat barf the people shall have.  But why limit it to Facebook.   Why not share it with the wider world.

Lucky you.

So:

A while back, I spent painstaking months selecting a lovely thick, plush berber, the color of oatmeal. It looked fabulous. Until I heard that first familiar hyuck … hyuck … hyuck … hyuck … BRRRRAAAAAAAAAFFFGHGHGH…

Now, there’s only about a five second window to scoop up the stinky snarl of kibble and hair before it seeps into the carpet, and unless you’re in the immediate vicinity, chances are, you’ll discover the blop too late. By then, you scoop and blot as best you can, but there’s always, a brown stain left behind. When the stains accumulate to critical mass, there’s nothing left to do but rent a steam cleaner and wipe the slate clean.

Know what makes a cat hork up a hairball faster than anything? The sound of a just-used steam cleaner being packed back into the car.

Before long, I recognized that there’s no winning the cat barf battle. It’s the price you pay for choosing indoor-only cats with ridiculously long, thick fur. However, in the wider world of cat annoyances, it’s the lesser of several evils, as compared to living with fleas, dead bird carcasses lovingly placed at the doorstep, thousands of dollars in veterinarian bills for the various scuffles outdoor cats get into, and, worst of all, the cat funerals to honor Fluffy or Mittens, who met an untimely death with a swimming pool/dog/car/neighbor with antifreeze — insert your favorite peril.

Even with regular carpet cleaning, my lovely oatmeal colored carpets looked thrashed after a few years. I was itching to replace them. But they were so expensive and structurally still good, and my hard-wired stinginess kept kicking in. And then my house flooded last fall. The spotted carpets were destroyed, and they were covered by insurance. It was carpet serendipity.

When I went to our local carpet store, I knew exactly what to ask for: “I want carpets the exact color of — (no, not cat barf — that would be disgusting!) — gingerbread. Doesn’t that sound lovely? And, turns out, gingerbread is the exact golden brown shade of cat spew I needed.

The new carpets went in, and the first couple times I heard Milo or Angelo torqueing their guts into an imminent hairball purge, I ran for the towels, scooped and blotted, and… Brilliant! I was so impressed with myself! Never again would I have to suffer with spotted carpets! However, my self-satisfaction quickly dissipated the first time I felt that invisible cold squish under my foot.

The most recent time I felt that unhappy sensation, I posted the same two sentences on Facebook that I started this column with. The comments were priceless:

“Please tell us you did not bring in a color sample…” said Angry Danielle, of my trip to the carpet store.

To which I replied, that it wasn’t necessary, because the carpet is the color of gingerbread.

“With that in mind, fortunately gingerbread season is far off,” added Annette.

Sure it is, Annette. You’ll remember this next time a warm, steamy slice is in your hand.

“I hate it when a good idea turns out to be a bad plan for the same reason!” said Sherlie.

Oh my, Sherlie, that comment was more profound than you could ever imagine.

“This confirms it… you ARE brilliant. Here I’ve been trying to FIGHT the cat barf. You, on the other hand, have learned to ACCEPT the cat barf. My hat is off…” chimed in Stephanie.

“Do not fear the cat barf… be one with the cat barf… (Cat Barf Zen 101)” I replied.

“It’s amazing… the hot topic on FB tonight is Debra’s Cat Barf Carpet!” said Mike.

“ Mike — OMG!!!! And I didn’t know what to write about this week … Cat Barf Zen!” I exclaimed with delight!

Hey. I don’t judge the inspiration as it comes to me, I just say “thank you.”

— Follow Debra DeAngelo on Twitter. Links are posted at http://www.edebra.com and http://www.wintersexpress.com. Find Debra’s columns online at http://www.wintersexpress.com, http://www.edebra.com and http://www.ipinion.us

 

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36 comments
  1. Enterprise, is this the best you can find to write editorials on Sunday? What a riveting cat barf story. I’ll never buy another subscription.

  2. Enterprise, is this the best you can find to write editorials on Sunday? What a riveting cat barf story. I’ll never buy another subscription.

  3. I usually hate her politics, but compared to cat barf stories I’ll take her left wing liberal babble any day. Is it so hard to find a local editorialist worth reading whose politics are more middle of the road or even slanted a little to the right?

    1. Bob Dunning is spot on most of the time and usually funny to boot. Even funnier are his critics who take him seriously.

  4. I usually hate her politics, but compared to cat barf stories I’ll take her left wing liberal babble any day. Is it so hard to find a local editorialist worth reading whose politics are more middle of the road or even slanted a little to the right?

    1. Bob Dunning is spot on most of the time and usually funny to boot. Even funnier are his critics who take him seriously.

  5. Thanks Debbie Davis For Debra’s Columns… How can you go wrong with writing such as “So, if cat barf is what the people want, then cat barf the people shall have…”???

  6. Thanks Debbie Davis For Debra’s Columns… How can you go wrong with writing such as “So, if cat barf is what the people want, then cat barf the people shall have…”???

  7. Do people actually pay for articles like this? The paper wasted for this editorial would be better utilized for soaking up cat barf.

  8. Do people actually pay for articles like this? The paper wasted for this editorial would be better utilized for soaking up cat barf.

  9. You people are missing the obvious symbolism here… Cat barf… politics… what’s the difference really. That said… I dare any of you to write a BETTER cat barf column.

  10. You people are missing the obvious symbolism here… Cat barf… politics… what’s the difference really. That said… I dare any of you to write a BETTER cat barf column.

  11. Having read Tanya Perez’ column on Thursday, now I have to wonder if all these little anonymous weasels are really just one loser with too much time on his hands.

    Thanks, Norb, for the endorsement!

  12. Having read Tanya Perez’ column on Thursday, now I have to wonder if all these little anonymous weasels are really just one loser with too much time on his hands.

    Thanks, Norb, for the endorsement!

  13. I only write under this one name.
    I’ve been reading the Enterprise since it came in the mail on Tuesdays. I’m sorry I don’t finish reading your columns, but I’ve never found it interesting. I start reading it every Sunday, but I don’t ever remember finishing a column. Remember, they make both vanilla and chocolate ice-cream as well as 300 other types because not everyone likes the same flavor.

    I read Bob Dunning religiously; I would cancel my Enterprise subscription tomorrow if he was to leave.

  14. I only write under this one name.
    I’ve been reading the Enterprise since it came in the mail on Tuesdays. I’m sorry I don’t finish reading your columns, but I’ve never found it interesting. I start reading it every Sunday, but I don’t ever remember finishing a column. Remember, they make both vanilla and chocolate ice-cream as well as 300 other types because not everyone likes the same flavor.

    I read Bob Dunning religiously; I would cancel my Enterprise subscription tomorrow if he was to leave.

  15. OK, so “World’s Gone Crazy”… seriously:

    1) Why won’t you put your name with your posts? Why do you hide behind a pseudonym? Explain to me the psychology of feeling so brave with your words but too chicken**** to declare them as your own.

    2) Further explain to me why you bother to start reading my columns if you know you don’t like them. I know that I can’t stand Fox News, but I don’t tune in to it and keep expecting to find something I like. Does it make you feel superior to start the column and then bale out before finishing (and therefore miss the point of the column entirely) because then you can say, “Eh, her work is crap.” Do you start books and not finish them too, and then declare that they’re crap?

    3) Please further explain the psychology of taking time out of your day to make nasty comments to a person whose work you claim you can’t stand (despite the fact that you freely admit that you’ve never finished a column, and therefore have not actually read my work any more than you can read three chapters of a novel and claimed to have read it). This behavior is akin to me spotting you across the street and taking the time and making the effort to cross the street and say, “You know… you’re really a fat pig, and your hair looks really stupid.”

    I’m just musing here at the smug superiority of your comments… trying to analyze the psychology behind them.

  16. OK, so “World’s Gone Crazy”… seriously:

    1) Why won’t you put your name with your posts? Why do you hide behind a pseudonym? Explain to me the psychology of feeling so brave with your words but too chicken**** to declare them as your own.

    2) Further explain to me why you bother to start reading my columns if you know you don’t like them. I know that I can’t stand Fox News, but I don’t tune in to it and keep expecting to find something I like. Does it make you feel superior to start the column and then bale out before finishing (and therefore miss the point of the column entirely) because then you can say, “Eh, her work is crap.” Do you start books and not finish them too, and then declare that they’re crap?

    3) Please further explain the psychology of taking time out of your day to make nasty comments to a person whose work you claim you can’t stand (despite the fact that you freely admit that you’ve never finished a column, and therefore have not actually read my work any more than you can read three chapters of a novel and claimed to have read it). This behavior is akin to me spotting you across the street and taking the time and making the effort to cross the street and say, “You know… you’re really a fat pig, and your hair looks really stupid.”

    I’m just musing here at the smug superiority of your comments… trying to analyze the psychology behind them.

  17. 1) As a long time resident, I know that coming out as anything other than a liberal Democrat will get you shunned in Davis. Even though I’m a libertarian and agree with the Democrats on a lot of social issues other than killing unborn babies, which I don’t consider a social issue, I know I would be shunned.
    2) I start every article/column everyday in the Enterprise. I also read or attempt to read most articles/columns in the Daily KOS and the Huffington Post everyday and watch NBC news and the Today show daily.
    When you try to watch Fox News, do you watch the news or the editorial/commentary shows (like your column) or the hard news? The afternoon hard news is between 4:00 and 5:00pm. Try it some time, you may find it isn’t much different than NBC, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, CNN… but on occasion they do a well documented story that the other networks miss completely.
    3) The only comment I made on your column was “I almost made it half way through one of her editorials once.” I’m not sure I consider that a nasty comment, but maybe in your world it is.
    I’m sorry you’re having a bad day; I hope thing get better for you in the future!

  18. 1) As a long time resident, I know that coming out as anything other than a liberal Democrat will get you shunned in Davis. Even though I’m a libertarian and agree with the Democrats on a lot of social issues other than killing unborn babies, which I don’t consider a social issue, I know I would be shunned.
    2) I start every article/column everyday in the Enterprise. I also read or attempt to read most articles/columns in the Daily KOS and the Huffington Post everyday and watch NBC news and the Today show daily.
    When you try to watch Fox News, do you watch the news or the editorial/commentary shows (like your column) or the hard news? The afternoon hard news is between 4:00 and 5:00pm. Try it some time, you may find it isn’t much different than NBC, ABC, CBS, MSNBC, CNN… but on occasion they do a well documented story that the other networks miss completely.
    3) The only comment I made on your column was “I almost made it half way through one of her editorials once.” I’m not sure I consider that a nasty comment, but maybe in your world it is.
    I’m sorry you’re having a bad day; I hope thing get better for you in the future!

  19. Sir or madam… “…other than killing unborn babies, which I don’t consider a social issue,…” You are correct; it is not a ‘social issue’. A woman’s right to control what happens to her body is a constitutional issue. And, I might add that it is a ‘libertarian’ issue (I hate that you social conservatives have co-opted the issue of true liberty when libertarian to you means that you can choose to to do whatever you wish while denying the rights of others). And why the mention of the Daily KOS and the Huffington post? Is this somehow suppose to give you standing in the fairness category while you tout the journalistic rigor of FOX News?

  20. Sir or madam… “…other than killing unborn babies, which I don’t consider a social issue,…” You are correct; it is not a ‘social issue’. A woman’s right to control what happens to her body is a constitutional issue. And, I might add that it is a ‘libertarian’ issue (I hate that you social conservatives have co-opted the issue of true liberty when libertarian to you means that you can choose to to do whatever you wish while denying the rights of others). And why the mention of the Daily KOS and the Huffington post? Is this somehow suppose to give you standing in the fairness category while you tout the journalistic rigor of FOX News?

  21. “When you try to watch Fox News, do you watch the news or the editorial/commentary shows (like your column) or the hard news? The afternoon hard news is between 4:00 and 5:00pm.”

    Only one hour of hard news on a news channel?

  22. “When you try to watch Fox News, do you watch the news or the editorial/commentary shows (like your column) or the hard news? The afternoon hard news is between 4:00 and 5:00pm.”

    Only one hour of hard news on a news channel?

  23. @World’s Gone Crazy – So, here is another of my issues. You claim you will be shunned if you “come out” as a conservative in Davis (which I doubt, but let’s go with your premise). This is EXACTLY what irks me about these pseudonym posts. Are you truly so afraid of the people around you that you’re afraid to state your opinions and feelings openly? I have trouble holding any respect for this, because this is what I have done every week for the last 20 years – toss my opinion or observation out there and let it fly. I think it is the ultimate in cowardice to throw a punch if you aren’t willing to take one in return.

    All that said, I made a choice to explore new paths as a New Year’s resolution this year… to see what a “politics free” mindset is like. I no longer watch any of the MSNBC programming and actively avoid political programming in general, just to see what that’s like. Just to see if it makes a difference. And I’ve come to the conclusion that in my immediate reality, the only thing politics adds to my life is strife and annoyance. It reaffirms my decision to try something else. Yes, even cat barf. Why? Because no one else has. But about 8 million columnists are writing My Side/Your Side, Red Team/Blue Team stuff. I decided not to be part of a choir any more.

    As for your comment about not finishing my columns just being an innocent little remark, and OH MY, why would she react to THAT… Come on, let’s cut the crap here. It was a snide little barb that you threw, just to be mean, just because you could and, moreover, because no one will ever know who threw it. And that, my friend, makes you a coward. And this is what cracks me up about the Faux News crowd… all bark and worse than even no bite – when confronted, you pee on the carpet and run away.

    P.S. I am having a fine day, and your insinuation that I’m just being a cranky girl is yet another thinly-veiled snide put-down. I realize you think you’re clever, but you aren’t. You’re just a coward.

    @wdf1 – LOL!!! Snap!

  24. @World’s Gone Crazy – So, here is another of my issues. You claim you will be shunned if you “come out” as a conservative in Davis (which I doubt, but let’s go with your premise). This is EXACTLY what irks me about these pseudonym posts. Are you truly so afraid of the people around you that you’re afraid to state your opinions and feelings openly? I have trouble holding any respect for this, because this is what I have done every week for the last 20 years – toss my opinion or observation out there and let it fly. I think it is the ultimate in cowardice to throw a punch if you aren’t willing to take one in return.

    All that said, I made a choice to explore new paths as a New Year’s resolution this year… to see what a “politics free” mindset is like. I no longer watch any of the MSNBC programming and actively avoid political programming in general, just to see what that’s like. Just to see if it makes a difference. And I’ve come to the conclusion that in my immediate reality, the only thing politics adds to my life is strife and annoyance. It reaffirms my decision to try something else. Yes, even cat barf. Why? Because no one else has. But about 8 million columnists are writing My Side/Your Side, Red Team/Blue Team stuff. I decided not to be part of a choir any more.

    As for your comment about not finishing my columns just being an innocent little remark, and OH MY, why would she react to THAT… Come on, let’s cut the crap here. It was a snide little barb that you threw, just to be mean, just because you could and, moreover, because no one will ever know who threw it. And that, my friend, makes you a coward. And this is what cracks me up about the Faux News crowd… all bark and worse than even no bite – when confronted, you pee on the carpet and run away.

    P.S. I am having a fine day, and your insinuation that I’m just being a cranky girl is yet another thinly-veiled snide put-down. I realize you think you’re clever, but you aren’t. You’re just a coward.

    @wdf1 – LOL!!! Snap!

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