Congratulations, gay couples, just try to stay out of the footlocker

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* Editor’s note: Debra is taking some time off and, in honor of the recent ruling of the U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals declaring California’s ban on gay marriage unconstitutional, has updated and refreshed a column that originally ran on June 12, 2008.

Let me say, right off the bat, that I don’t care about gay people.

And I mean that in the nicest, loveliest of ways.

I don’t care about gay people in the same way I don’t care about goldfish and daisies and cherry tomatoes. I don’t care about them in the sense that they cause me no concern. They give me not a moment’s grief. I could have goldfish and daisies and cherry tomatoes in my life, or not. Either way, it wouldn’t have any impact on me at all. However, life is just nicer with goldfish, daisies and cherry tomatoes, and I like them a lot, they don’t hurt anything, so what the hey, let’s keep ‘em!

If there’s something I care less about than gay marriage, I don’t know what it would be. Quilting, maybe? All the gay people in the world could marry and it’ll have no effect on my life, or my marriage, whatsoever. Yours either. Unless you’re gay, and finally you’ll have the same rights as everyone else.

Sadly, the Radical Religious Right doesn’t feel quite as nonchalant as I do about gay marriage, and did its best to prevent gay couples from having equal rights in the form of California’s Proposition 8, which the U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals recently ruled as unconstitutional.

Woot, woot, U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals!

Meanwhile, I’m sure the RRR is circling its wagons as we speak, plotting their next salvo on gay marriage, which will certainly destroy the very institution of marriage itself (legalization of divorce notwithstanding) and topple the entire country over the precipice of doom and destruction.

RRR folks — you know what’ll happen to the institution of marriage if Jack and John or Jane and Julie get married? Exactly nothing. Except for more people who tie the knot, argue over the bills, sigh when one of them makes tuna casserole AGAIN, and bicker about whose turn it is to take out the garbage, and on and on until they’re battling like two honey badgers in a footlocker, and end up funding two extravagant European vacations for their respective divorce lawyers.

Yup, just like straight couples.

Mark my words, there are folks out there who are so frothed up over gay marriage issue, they’ll repackage all their religion-frocked prejudice and pseudo-angst over the sanctity of marriage, and rally against it again when the topic nears the U.S. Supreme Court. If the RRR rank and file truly wants legislation that protects the sanctity of marriage, they should be striving to repeal legal divorce, not prevent more marriage.

If the RRR really wants to protect marriage as solely a union between one and one woman, until death do they part, besides picketing outside the local divorce court, there’s one other place they should be directing their attention: their friendly neighborhood FLDS compound. How is it that these pedophiles who collect their own personal little harems of teenagers under the guise of “religious freedom” were relatively ignored by the Defense of Marriage crowd? Maybe because statutory rape is still an acceptable RRR sexual fantasy, but guy-on-guy action is just a wee bit too threatening? A little too close to the bone? (Some of those RRR types will break out with beads of sweat on their nervous, homophobic little foreheads just reading that sentence.)

I suspect that all this fuss over gay marriage is a cover for the protestors’ desperate repression of normal, fleeting homosexual thoughts. They hate what they fear most, and often what we fear most is ourselves. Let me alleviate some of those fears. Homosexual thoughts don’t make you gay any more than thinking about singing makes you Celine Dion. Thoughts don’t make you gay. Being born gay makes you gay. Furthermore, you can’t catch gay from someone else any more than you can catch blond. It is absolutely, positively not contagious. So stop worrying about Stan and Stefan moving in next door.

Could you learn to be gay? Turned gay? I dunno. Give me enough tequila and strand me on a desert island with Catherine Zeta-Jones, and I’ll get back to you on that.

Or not. Who knows, I might not want to get back.

See, I thought about it. Still like the boys. But you never know.

Are gays going to seduce you anyway? Maybe, but only if you want them to. And, don’t fret about that too much. Chances are you aren’t as hot as you think you are. They aren’t after you, or your children, they’re just after the right to live their happy little lives with the same rights as everyone else, in the privacy of their own homes.

Scary stuff, that.

Most of the folks who are so obsessed with preventing gay marriage are also the same ones who boast that they can walk through the valley of the shadow of death and fear not. I’m fairly certain that living peacefully amongst married gay couples is not nearly as uncomfortable as the valley of the shadow of death. So chill the heck out. Stan and Stefan or Stephanie and Stacey might be the best neighbors you ever had.

Besides, it’s wasted energy. Thanks to the U.S. Ninth Circuit Court of Appeals, gay marriage is on its way to becoming totally, positively legal, and completely equal to all the marriages existing in some folks’ Beaver Cleaver minds, so It’s a moot point. Get over it and make better use of your time. Go feed a homeless person or something. And I have a mantra for you, and recommend that you chant it until it sinks in: “Mind your own business… Mind your own business… Mind your own business…”

As for all those gay couples out there looking forward to saying, “I do” — best wishes to you all! A lifetime of love and happiness to each and every one! Just stay out of the footlocker!

— Email Debra at; read more of her work at, and

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