I’ve got it, I’ve got it, I’ve got it!
We all should re-register Republican.
Now, hear me out before you bolt from the room like your hair’s on fire. I’m not saying you have to agree with every Republican value. I’m merely suggesting that if we join their ranks, we could steer the party toward things that government should be involved in and away from things it shouldn’t. Like our bedrooms and our vaginas.
Yes, working together, we could totally disrupt the system. I know, crazy stuff, right? Is this allowed, you ask? Yes. It’s perfectly legal to register however you want and to vote for the candidates who represent your interests.
And you’re thinking, “It’s so simple! Why didn’t somebody think of this before!” I’ll tell you why: Somebody’s mind isn’t ricocheting around 24-7 like a pack of ferrets on Red Bull.
You get used to it.
Yes, we can — infiltrate the RNC. Their values weren’t brought down from the mountaintop on stone tablets. Congressional Republicans can be prompted to reassess those “values” quite easily. All we have to do is inform them that we’ll vote for them if they support this, and not if they support that because, just like their Blue counterparts, they really only have one core value: re-election.
Just by sheer numbers, if all the Democrats dumped the DNC and registered Republican, the party values would shift. There’s a whole heck of a lot of us, and that translates into votes. Watch how fast congressional Republicans or C-Reds (yes, rhymes with “see red” — merely serendipity) start rethinking the validity of global climate change is if it means getting re-elected or not.
It’s all about votes, not values. Politicians have reptilian brains. There’s not a lot of thought process going on there. They see food, they strike, they gulp. And, they feed on votes.
“But why would I align myself with the Dark Side,” you fret. Simple. Republicans win, Democrats don’t. Compared to the DNC, a herd of cats is marching in goosestep. The RNC, by contrast, is an impenetrable Greek phalanx of “No, No, NO, ” and how do the congressional Whimpocrats respond to that onslaught of swords and shields? By attempting reasonable conversation and striving for compromise.
You make Achilles cry.
Me, I’m tired of throwing perfectly good energy at people who won’t fight with bare knuckles. No matter how good your ideas are, you can’t change things unless you win.
So, let’s try to look at this rationally, without gagging. Let’s focus on areas where we agree. Do you know what actual Republican values are, I mean other than Jesus, guns and poorly read blond anchorwomen? Me neither. I just shoved them under the heading of “ick.” But, just like that forgotten Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge, I forced myself to look. Turns out, it’s not as repugnant as I imagined:
1) “Lower taxes” — check!
2) “Smaller government” — check!
3) “Encourage the growth of business” — check! OK, if we’re talking locally owned businesses and not soulless corporate giants.
4) “Sanctity of human life” — check! As long as that includes life after the umbilical cord is cut, and also the person at the other end of the umbilical cord.
5) “Protecting traditional marriage” — oh, hell no! That one stinks! Besides, it’s trumped by 2, which I interpret as: government should keep its nose out of our personal lives.
6) “Support the right to keep and bear arms” — check. Not all arms, but we can nitpick later. Nobody needs a Howitzer. They just don’t.
7) “Safeguarding religious liberties” — check! But all that nonsense supporting the Boy Scouts’ right to discriminate against gays? No. Because 7 can’t contradict:
8) “Equal treatment for all people” — check! Really, we could tighten this list up by deleting 5 and 7, and just going with 8. The others are redundant. (Oh, the editor… it is strong in this one.)
9) “Freedom of speech and of the press” — well, duh! Check, check, check!
10) “Protecting our national symbols from desecration” — dudes. Seriously? See 9. No. Just — no.
In the interest of congressional functionality, I could hold my nose and support this list, and work toward scrubbing off the stink. It’s not so bad. And here’s the real shocker, Blues: Some of my best friends are Republicans! It’s true! I adore them! We may disagree on this or that, but that’s what beer is for! That’s the place where everyone’s happy! Seriously, there are Republicans out there who are lovely people.
You could even have them in your house.
I know. Mind. blown.
But, but … what about our values, you moan? I googled those too. About 20 different websites popped up under “Democratic core values,” each listing nebulous, overarching “values,” and some just purely computer error jargon. And! The DNC official list? Doesn’t even pop up at all. “Republican core values”? Boom. The GOP website’s right on top. Could this be any more amusingly symbolic? One side’s a phalanx. The other? Not even marching in unison, let alone in straight lines and one direction. And also — no one’s in charge.
It’s a lost cause, Blues. A recent Gallup poll shows that congressional Democrats are now less popular than Republicans, who already scrape the bottom of the approval barrel — literally lower than low. Is it because people no longer hold Democratic values (whatever that even means)? No. It’s because people finally realized once and for all in this midterm election that Democrats can’t get out of their own way long enough to win an election or effectively deal with C-Reds.
Rats off a sinking ship, people.
Better Red than dead.
If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.
Throw any cliche you want at it and it sticks. Do you want to be the windshield or the bug? Let’s choose the windshield and work on tinting it Blue.
— Email Debra DeAngelo at email@example.com; read more of her work at www.wintersexpress.com and www.ipinionsyndicate.com