Poor Anthony Weiner. See what can happen when you’re innocently indulging in a little Liberal porn: videos of Sarah Palin on the back of a Harley with a really hot biker chick. Rowr.
Hey, don’t feel so bad, little guy. Let’s face it — Sarah’s hot. Those videos might’ve had the same effect on me. I mean, if they could’ve.
That is, as long as she didn’t speak. Just one screech from that harpy hottie’s mouth totally kills the mood. That’s it. Going back to fantasizing about men. Unless we can substitute Catherine Zeta Jones for Sarah. Double rowr.
So, here’s my theory about Weinergate: It’s all about the Liberal porn. He watched that sassy, sharp-tongued she-devil prancing across the country in her “I’ve Got A Secret” not-ready-for-primary-time presidential candidacy tour bus, over, and over, and over, and it made Weiner stand up and pay attention.
Really, it did.
It’s OK. It’s a normal biological response. One half of the human population is equipped like Weiner, and those who are will admit that every once in a while, the equipment has a mind of its own. It know what Daddy like. And Daddy definitely like sexy, saucy bombshell brunettes with guns. And in librarian glasses while riding a Harley with a hot biker chick, no less! As Garth and Wayne used to say, “Shwing!”
Sarah Palin is a modern-day sex goddess archetype. She’s Sally Fields morphed with the Morrigan — sweet yet deadly … a bubble-headed banshee who sucks on attention the way a vampire drains a vein. And let’s face it, vampires are dead sexy. (Redundant, right?)
Apparently The Weiner agrees.
My theory on how Weinergate arose is this: Weiner replayed the Sarah videos a little too long, and — yikes! — The Rachel Maddow Show already started! He leaped up, lest he miss one moment, still at full salute to the Sallagan, but unbeknownst to him, his trusty iMac had indeed been hacked.
And I know how.
The clue comes from another recent news story, of Oakland resident Joshua Kaufman, whose Macbook was stolen. Kaufman had installed a software program called “Hidden” (check it out: http://hiddenapp.com/) on his laptop. If triggered by the owner of a stolen computer, the Hidden program secretly takes photos every 15 minutes of the person using the computer and emails the photos to the rightful owner, using the camera built into the monitors of most Macs.
When Kaufman finally collected enough photos to identify the thief, he brought his evidence to the Oakland Police Department, but was brushed off. The Oakland PD just didn’t have time to waste on his piddly Macbook.
You’d be hugely pissed off too, right? So Kaufman dedicated a website to his stolen Macbook, posted the photos of the thief, and let the world know that the Oakland PD are a bunch of lazy schmucks. Guess what — the Oakland PD suddenly reevaluated the importance of catching a laptop thief.
Now, here’s what this has to do with Anthony Weiner: Some hacker remotely downloaded the Hidden software onto Weiner’s computer, registered it to himself, and started collecting photos. Why? Because Weiner has, repeatedly, verbally sliced the congressional Republicans into shreds and, being pathetically unequipped to retaliate in kind, surely many were lusting for a way to shut him up. So, they downloaded Hidden to Weiner’s computer, and kept their fingers crossed, and one random evening, The Weiner jumped up too soon, and bingo: a media feeding frenzy is born.
It’s not even difficult to do this. Any garden-variety hacker (read: your average bored eighth-grader) can download software into someone else’s computer and patch photos into someone else’s Twitter feed between slurps on his Rockstar. And ask your average eighth-grader: What could possibly be funnier than posting pictures of Weiner’s wiener? Nothing! Absolutely nothing!
Sadly, apparently we’ve elected some Republican eighth-graders to Congress.
Even sadder, it’d be so simple for Weiner to blow this whole thing off (Oh God, did I really just type that?) and deflate all this nonsense. All he has to do is say, “The wiener isn’t mine, ha ha, we’ve had our fun, can we get back to talking about the national debt now?” If he was really cool, he’d grin slyly, shrug and say, “Dude. That li’l thing? Not me. My nickname is ‘Tripod.’ ”
But he didn’t do that, did he? When questioned by Wolf Blitzer about the photo, Weiner responded, “I can tell you that there are photographs.” (Photographs! Plural! Whoopee! There’s more to come!) A clearly perplexed Tim Russert Jr. asked Weiner point blank: “Can’t you say that it isn’t you in the photo?” Weiner responded, “You know, I can’t say that with certitude.”
There’s no doubt: it’s Weiner’s wiener. And he practically announced there’s not just one, but several photos of it in all its glory. He’s so busted. Damn that Sallagan and her hot biker chick, slathered in coconut oil, playing Twister!
He-a culpa, he-a culpa.
So what are we to conclude from all this? That Weiner’s just another average guy? Admit it all you average guys: You’d respond the same way. And, truth be told, a few of you gals would too. There’d just be less evidence.
— Follow Debra DeAngelo on Twitter. Links are posted at http://www.edebra.com and http://www.wintersexpress.com. Find Debra’s columns online at http://www.wintersexpress.com, http://www.edebra.com and http://www.ipinion.us