Finding jeans is tough when you’re a super slim

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Finally. Blue jeans that fit. Cute ones, not soccer-mom jeans that scream “Not tonight, honey, I have a headache” or those, bulky high-waisted things with elastic waistbands that make your butt look like two saggy sacks of flour.

Why do I have a problem fitting into jeans? Because I wear a size that doesn’t exist: a 16 slim. Which seems like an oxymoron, but it’s not. Imagine, if you will, that you wear a size 14 slim. And then you go up a size. Yes, you’re one size larger. But it doesn’t mean that you magically grew hips and a butt. You’re still a slim, only bigger. But no curvier.

Sadly, most blue jeans (even in the smaller sizes) are cut for women with curves. It’s all about the hourglass. Me, I’ve got curves. But they’re in all the wrong places. If I were an hourglass, the hour would be over in two seconds. The sand would fall right through.

And it’s not like I’m a freak of nature. I’m not the only one who, when she pulls on a pair of jeans that fit at the waist, has five yards of denim hanging down where our butts should be. We aren’t the apple-shaped ones, necessarily. More like tube shaped. Which is fine for hotdogs and cookie dough packages. Not so much for finding cute jeans.

I’m part of such an ignored and unappreciated group. Nobody ever sings our praises. When the D.J. plays “Baby Got Back,” all the girls with healthy heinies scamper to the dance floor and celebrate their bodacious bootays. Yeah, Sir Mix-A-Lot likes ‘em big and round and juicy. Hey … what about big and flat and droopy? When are you gonna record, “Baby Got Front” so us flat-backs can shake it like a Polaroid picture too? Not our butts, I mean.

I know. That image makes everyone cringe a little. But we exist too, and we want our own sexy songs on the dance floor. And jeans that fit.

We weren’t always the undesirables, mind you. Back in the ‘70s, girls shaped like me had it goin’ on. Why? One word: Dittos. They were cut high, straight and skin-tight, and those of us with all the curves of an ironing board could slide right into those Dittos and still be able to breathe. Everyone else had to suck it in and use pliers to get the zippers up.

Actually, us flat-backs have a cameo in “Baby Got Back.” We’re the snarky ones in the beginning of the song dissin’ everyone else. You know… the ones who are promptly forgotten when the music starts. Snark went a lot farther in tight white Dittos.

Anyway.

Back in the day, besides Dittos, there were plenty of slim cuts to be found. “Slim.” What a lovely way to say “baby got no back.” It puts the best spin on the truth. It’s the other end of the spectrum from “relaxed fit,” which is a tactful way of saying “baby got too much back.” Although “relaxed” isn’t such a bad adjective for jeans, it’s not really sexy, and sexy sells. So recently, more and more “relaxed fit” jeans are being peddled as “curvy” cut.

It’s not 1977 anymore. “Curvy” is totally sexy now. We can thank J-Lo and Beyonce for that, and the Kardashians have turned huge heinies into a franchise (unless they have some sort of unapparent talent that I can’t detect, just like I can’t hear dog whistles). So yes, “curvy” is “in” again.

Marilyn, you can turn back over in your grave now.

Given that the jeans companies have figured out an attractive way to sell jeans to the bubble-butt set, you’d think Levi’s — the gold standard in jeans — would have done the same for us board-butts too. But no. It never pays to think, does it. Not when it comes to women’s fashion.

Here, they have a fabulous product that fits perfectly, doesn’t look like Grandma would wear them to bingo night at the senior center, slim cut jeans for the not so slim, and what brilliant name do the marketing geniuses come up with to attract customers? “Fuller waist.” How sexy is that? One notch above two saggy sacks of flour, maybe? They don’t call size 14 slim and down a fuller waist. Those are still “slim.” Idiots. Isn’t the answer obvious? They should have called the 16s and up super slims! We’d be lining up to buy those!

If only the big and buttless had a J-Lo or Beyonce of our own to make our body shape acceptable too. Somebody give Cameron Diaz a few burgers and fatten her up a little. She’ll do. That girl’s butt would make a pancake look curvy.

In the meantime … Levi’s — could you work on spinning the name for your wonderful new “fuller waist” jeans before you have to discontinue them because women refuse to touch anything that says “fuller waist” unless they’re shopping for two? And if you don’t have anyone in marketing who can pull that off, call me.

And by the way …  super slim? Consider it trademarked.

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