Push me, pull you, nobody’s happy sitting next to anybody these days

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So, 13 southern California counties want to become the 51st state and carve out their own Republican Shangri-la where it’s just hunky-dory to portray the president of the United States as a watermelon-chomping chimpanzee or support Michelle Bachmann for president. Oh, but that we could just lop off this contingent like a gangrened limb and let the healing begin.

If it was up to me (and it’s a damned shame it isn’t, because I’ve come to the conclusion that we’d all be better off), I’d say let ‘em go. But here’s the catch, SoCal: You keep Hell-A, or the deal’s off. Us northerners will gladly keep our San Francisco values, our Birkenstocks, Pride parades and single-stream recycling, and you southerners keep your LA values, whatever that means… lipo or Botox… Atkins or South Beach… Jimmy Choo or Prada…

“L.A. values? OMG, is there a sale at Bebe?”

Yes. I’m evil. Deal with it. And no. NorCal doesn’t want that either.

Seriously. Los Angeles is the deal-breaker. L.A. is the spoiled, smelly, obese, English bulldog that craps on the carpet and has breath like three-day old roadkill on an August afternoon. It’s a divorce, and we’re not fighting over who gets to keep him. We’re fighting over who has to keep him. And possession is nine-tenths of the law.

Yes, maybe it’s time we Californians faced our irreconcilable differences and parted ways. We all identify as NorCal or SoCal already anyway (except the poor souls in San Luis Obispo who are neither here nor there), so why not make it official? Maybe it’d be less stressful to stop all the bickering and create a new state where redneck right-wing Republicans can exist in a happy little red bubble. They won’t have to strain their little brain cells with conflicting viewpoints, and we can stop patiently trying to explain to them why the quotation marks on Fox “News” are there.

But if the goal it to create one homogenous state unfettered by diversity in thought, color and culture, why stop at California? Why not draw the lines around Arizona and Texas too? I give you: “Calizonas.” The 51st state. And I hereby nominate the supremely befitting Ted Nugent as your first governor.

Upon further reflection, why stop at mere statehood? Why not just let Calizonas secede from the Union? Texas likes to hint that it isn’t really part of the United States anyway. It was a republic once, let it be a republic again, bigger and better than before: The Republic of Calizonas. Or Texizornia. Or Ariforxas. Whatever. Happy Trails. I’ll miss Willie Nelson, but this is the price we must pay so we can all get along.

Honestly, would we miss Texas that much? All that “Don’t Mess With Texas” outlaw shtick is just tired and boring. Word to Texas: nobody really wants to mess with you. We’re kind of over you. We’ve seen your best and brightest in the 43rd president, and we’re not that impressed. He totaled the family car, threw us the keys and walked away grinning. So, Texas, you’ve done quite enough. Thanks for playing. But you do get Arizona and South California as these lovely parting gifts.

But, good old-fashioned NorCal liberal fantasies aside, what if we really did part ways with South California. Would it be all that bad? Not all. For one thing, North California’s financial problems would be over. One word: water. We have it, they don’t. You know that big blue aqueduct that stripes the state? Once it crosses into SoCal, that water turns into pure gold for NorCal. Which, by the way, means that the “Golden State” nickname stays with NorCal. SoCal, I don’t know what that makes you. The Gridlock State maybe? Smog State? How about Red State? No one’s grabbed that golden ring yet.

Yes, all in all, it’s for the best. Chop it in half, I say. Queen Solomon has spoken.

Having solved our state’s problems, let’s zoom in to local touch-me-not issues — the redistricting of Yolo County. Our county supervisors have the final say on this, and early reports indicate that it’s not looking good for the Fifth District in its current configuration. The Fifth District is like South California. We don’t really view ourselves as part of the rest of the county. We’re not like Those People Over There. But we better get used to them, because I predict that Winters will become the new West Davis.

Remember how I used to joke about life down here on Far West Russell Boulevard? Not so funny now, is it. Unless you’re living on Far East Grant Avenue.

Some Winters folks are horrified over the prospect of being absorbed into the Davis Second District, akin to the seventh level of hell. But all this animosity toward Davis is more of a Winters meme than anything based on reality. It’s like people who hate broccoli. They haven’t actually tried it. They just know they do.

Come on, broccoli’s quite tasty. Just try one bite. Let’s pretend it’s an airplane… here it comes! Zoom zoom! Into the hangar!

And it gets spit back into my face every time.

While Winters is balking and clinging for dear life to the Capay Valley, Davis is lobbying hard to have us. You can’t blame them, really. Their other option is to absorb part of West Sacramento. And we all know which one of those girls is cuter. Who would you rather go to the prom with?

So, state or county — what’s the common psychological denominator? Simple social psychology. When resources are limited and life becomes precarious, humans band together with those wearing the same animal skin. Or kilt. Or uniform. Or bumper sticker. And bash the ones who aren’t.

It’s true. There really is nothing new under the sun.

— Email Debra at debra@wintersexpress.com; read more of her work at www.wintersexpress.comwww.edebra.com and www.ipinion.com

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